Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Snarky McCrabby Pants Reporting For Duty!

(photo courtesy of
Heavy is the head that wears the sausage crown… via WTF Pictures and WTF videos by Picture Is Unrelated by pizzaburger on 7/22/09)

America, listen up. You dress like pigs having a bad hair day. Well, at least they do here, in the middle of a Big City in the middle of a Dusty Desert where it's freakin' hot.


If you want to dress like a slob, stay at home where you'll be ready to garden, fix the plumbing, work on the family car, or have a head cold.

This is not to say there are times when it is simply unavoidable. Like, say,

  • When the temperature is over 105. Or below 20.

  • When you've been a victim of a disaster: natural or otherwise.

  • You're homeless by choice or chance and live off donations to the shelter you've taken refuge in.

  • You've been out of work for ages.

  • You're incredibly pregnant and miserable.

  • It's January in Iowa and you only have one winter coat so it's not like you can take it to the cleaners and go without for a few days.
Stuff like that. These things are understandable. I understand that. I support people's attempts in these circumstances.

For the rest of you:

C'mon peeps! What does this say about your self-image? I say it means you don't give a damn. Or you have low self-esteem. And that ain't good.

Love yourself! Have a little pride! You are not respecting yourself or the places you are visiting by poor choices in dress and presentation. Not all positive life-changes start from the inside. Fake it 'til you make it.

A friend of mine says the entire downfall of western society is due to the introduction of Diet Pepsi into the marketplace. Me? I trace it back to the late 60s or early 70s when wearing a t-shirt with a slogan or someone's corporate logo on it became chic.

Yes. Yes I do. Somehow this gave us all permission to dress down. To go for comfort over presentation. To slouch toward the epitome of slobdom.

And think of this, you logo-wearing t-shirt fanatics: You paid money to be a walking billboard for a product. And you receive no reimbursement. What are you, stupid? Clarification: T-shirts for worthy causes are encouraged. Unless the event was 2 years ago. Save that one for the garden.

Let me be clear. Nobody makes it every day. And, like I said, I work in a place where it's just plain stinkin' hot and it's very urban. Maybe my vision is skewed. I am aware that there are many places in the country where this isn't a problem. Big chunks of NYC pay close attention to dress, for example.

So, for the love of Gucci and flip-flops, consider this, America:
  • When was the last time you wore a shirt that was not a t-shirt? If it has been longer than a week, you might want to rethink that choice.

  • Can I see man-titty, boobs, or belly jiggle beneath that shirt? If so, you might want to rethink that choice

  • Was that now-grey t-shirt once black? If so, you might want to rethink that choice.

  • And how can we forget this? Keep the fanny pack above the belt level, fellas?


  • Over 24 and still going for the grunge thing? Sorry, Kurt Cobain called from the beyond and wants his mojo back

  • You really can use an iron. Or a steamer. I'm not insisting on this. I'm just sayin'


  • I am declaring bra-straps showing under spaghetti-strap camisols OUT!

  • I am also declaring that prison-convict-inspired pants with the waist at the knees look OUT!

In related subjects, let's talk hair-styles
  • If you last changed your hair-style during the Carter administration, it's time for a makeover

  • If you last washed your hair a week ago, it's time to do so

  • If you last changed your hair-style during the protest-era, STOP THAT

  • If you can't keep your hair out of your face, find a way or cut it. Mom was right.

  • Are you Anglo and for some reason trying to turn your stick-straight hair into dreds? NO!

  • Do you over-gel the hell out of your hair to keep it standing up in a punky kind of spiky style? Don't. A special word to the gentlemen on this: My father wore his hair in a flat-top for over 50 years and never used wax or gels. It always stood up. He would say "It takes a good man to keep it standing up." Ummm...don't show your lack of manliness by using a ton of goop. Advertise your manly goodness in other ways

  • Bowl cut? Sorry, my fellow librarians, update it. Now.

OK, I think I've spewed enough. Like the guy who walked in the other day with traces of this morning's hangover spew still clinging to him. Enough with the spewing already.

For now.

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