Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Big Snark-Off! Post-2012 Edition Part One

Recent advancement in retrieval of ancient electronic media, has given us access to this remarkable chronical of the early years of the Time of No-Text (TNT) The site was discovered in the Great I-10 Cave in the year 3500. A power generator and ancient digital device were also found at the site. These artifacts have been very valuable in our understanding of pre-2012 technology

From the events discussed in these fragments, we can guess that it was written between the years 2012 and 1250 and that the author was between the age of 12 and 20 when it was started. This would make the author between 62 and 70 at the time the newest fragments were written.

A object found near the fragment may indicate that the author's name was Security.

While archaeologists are still searching for items that would verify the accuracy of this document, we may look at it as something that give us insight into TNT.


In the days before the world changed in 2012, life was simple. Advances in science, technology, and homeland security made life easier every day.

We All Live in an Atomic Submarine via Awful Library Books by hhibner on 12/4/09)

The people benefitted from this technology. It became part of everyday life. Hyper-tasking left more time for the leisure activities everyone and their dog enjoyed.

(Picture: Strange Black & White Photos
via Walking Paper by Aaron Schmidt on 11/17/09)

Modern cultural institutions also benefitted from this technology, making cultural opportunities available for everyone.

(Picture: public library photos and reminiscences
via by jessamyn on 11/28/09)

Indeed, the technology and resulting social networking led to a lively sense of community both in-person and online.

(Picture: Party’s Over via Awful Library Books by hhibner on 11/22/09)

Then some bozo with generic cornstarch for brains looked at the Mayan Calender

(Picture: Dunno Source)

In technicolor

(Picture: Dunno Source)

To be accurate, let the record reflect that the average Mayan was nonplussed by the entire topic and laundry remained the first order of the day.

(Picture: Dunno Source)

Meanwhile, Cornstarch-For-Brains and his nefarious hangers-on decided this ancient calendar could be useful to them. They wanted power. The power to change history. The power to bend history to their will. The power to gain Great Wealth.

To further their cause, this group used all media available to convince large groups of fundamentalist Christians that the End of the World was nigh. Convincing this large a group would give them Great Power over the lives of those people and, more importantly, their money

So the word was sent forth:

"This is it! The ancient sign! The Sign of Pagans! Gog and Magog are going to duke it out. Will you be a sheep, goat, or Left Below? The RAPTURE is at hand. "

(Picture: You’ve Been Left Behind!)

All that was left to do was pray, live in brotherly love, and find some idjit whose neglect of the environment, ability do divide a united people, serious lack of communication skills, and an irritant factor of +5,000,000 to speed this blessed event on its way

(Picture Source: The Internet)

And then it happened.
December 12, 2012.
The day the internet died.
When our world ended "not with a bang, but with a whimper."

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